I was 24 years old at the time. Living in a four bedroom apartment with a good share of family in it. I lie on my bed, broken, depressed, feeling a certain sense of horror that only people with mental illnesses can match, or know how it feels.
I go to my computer, and I search for blogspot, and I create an account, matching the theme with my mood. I write Episode 1, with no clue how it would turn out. I knew back then that maybe writing would save my life at this point in time. Perhaps it would give me a much needed outlet to the darkness at the time, the noise in which constantly plagued my mind, telling me, “I’m never going to be good enough” or “You will pretty much amount to nothing in your life time.”
I kept writing for the next three and a half years. The thoughts became clearer. The light eventually got brighter, up until the final episode that I wrote.
Today is the exact day I wrote Episode 1. I sit back and look at that time, and the events, the triumphs, and everything in between with a new perspective. I was completely lost then. Somehow, I’m still here, and I am now happy with that. I’m still fighting, which, at the point in time, I could honestly say that I didn’t have the strength to fight for anything in any way, shape, or form.
I am now 28 years old, on the verge of leaping into the next level of my life. This tangent is actually completely unknown, and for the longest time, I was completely terrified of it. Now, I am fine with this. If I knew what I’d be doing leter, right now, it wouldn’t be an adventure.
This blog is for one thing, and for one thing only at this point and time. I don’t really have any goals at this point and time. I don’t have a real plan as to what I want to do with the rest of my life. It hasn’t come in a dream, and I haven’t been compelled by any part of life in the five years I spent working on me. But, there is something that, I feel very strongly about, that I really want to do, and it’s probably the most confusing thing that you’ll ever hear me say.
This blog is to document the progress of me, as I find out, how to do something amazing.
Now, yeah, I have said it. This past year, that’s all I’ve thought about. I just want to do something utterly amazing and wonderful, something that will leave the mark on something or somebody in a way where it’s just like “wow”. Then, I want to just have a simple life. I don’t want a lot of money. I don’t want to be famous. I just want do do something amazing, once, and then be the best I can for myself, and for the ones that I will love.
I don’t know how long this is going to take. It could happen right after I get done with this entry. It could be ten years from now. But, I don’t want to die without doing one amazing thing in my life time. This is my new dream. And, it is probably going to be the toughest task that I will do in my life.
Why? Because I don’t even know what I can do that is so amazing yet. So, I’ll have to search for it. Pretty much, the only clue I have at this point in time is that I will know in my heart when I’ve done the amazing thing that I am looking for.
So I’ll write about experiences and see if they live up to what I want to do. Perhaps this will help to figure that out. This is going to I hope help to unlock some of the hidden talents, and attributes that are buried under years of the noise, and the chaos of being a person with a serious mental disorder.
So from now on, when you see me, and interact to me, you’ll see a new twinkle in my eye. One that will be looking for the wonderful, and amazing in the world. Regardless, I’ll enjoy the ride all the way.