I have not written in this blog since a week before my birthday. A lot has changed since I’ve turned 29. I’ve broken at least twice since the last time I’ve written, and I may have a plan to get myself somewhere to thinking that I can get stable. But, this is where I say to everyone what I’m feeling in my heart right now. It’s probably the best way I can describe myself is by writing it out in words, for the world to see.
There are more events in my past, that I have not told anyone. I’ve decided to open up and deal with these head on. They have left me broken, and taken away a lot of the hope, sapped a lot of the courage that I’ve had earlier in my life, and left me devoid of loving anything, or anyone.
All that I feel now is confused, and frightened. As a matter of fact, I get so paralyzed with fear on some days that I can’t say a word at all. There are some nights where I don’t want to sleep because I’ll wake up completely confused and not knowing where I am. And this is a product of the things that I have not talked about.
I get so frightened most of the time that I sit and don’t act, or speak about my needs, or what’s bothering me. I’ve always felt like that my voice is not important enough to warrant anyone really wanting to be there. So, I just kept things inside. I just don’t do anything. Perhaps, for the longest time I just wanted to think that I really wasn’t here, when I really was.
I still think that way, even though now that I am opening up somewhat about some things, and trying to build a support system to get me to recover from all of the hidden scars that are still here, I still get to a point where I feel super invisible in a lot of situations.
I sit here writing now, because I don’t know how to really say these things out loud. Even today, I have only said one word, and that was an obligatory hello. I don’t know how to really speak about what is bothering me, and I guess what I’m saying is that I am scared. But I know that if I don’t say anything, I will die within the next two years. I can’t really sit here an stay quiet about what has happened to me in my life. It’s really eating me alive.
I don’t know. Even now I’m afraid writing this, but it’s not because of what those think of me. Everyone has things that are hidden. I just am afraid that I may have waited too late to really deal with this, and because of that, I won’t have the support I need. I know that I’m going to break a lot more times before I can heal. I now just need people to help me up when I fall since, I’m going to fall a lot.
I don’t really care about my potential, or what I want to do in life at this moment. I just want to be able to truly say, “I’m here.” That’s what I’m fighting for right now. No amount of money, popularity, or anything will help me if I always feel like I’m invisible. If anything, I just don’t want to be afraid anymore.