This has been one hell of a summer for me. I thought that I wanted to be a writer. However, I feel like that I am too emotional of a person and I have rabbit ears to actually pursue a career in writing.
You may remember that I attempted to pull off the 30 day writing challenge. I didn’t get to complete it, because of a hurtful comment from an anonymous source that actually misconstrued the words that I said big time. This person also personally attacked me. It was damaging to me because it was the first time anyone has done anything like that in a long time.
This was around my the time of my birthday, and going through with the events of that week was insanely more difficult than it should have been. That week should have been more legendary than it was, but I got through it. Then, in July I started to really get depressed, still having the words of that comment really turn in my head. You see, I AM a Cancer in the zodiac, and also, I am born under the first week of Cancer, which is deemed the Week of the Empath if you follow super deeply into it. If you think about the actually day I was born, June 25th, that day is deemed the day of the sensitive receptor.
I mentioned all of this because I pretty much have an attribute which can make me great at times and bad in others. This attribute is absorbing feelings of one into thinking they are my own. So, the comment in question in the month of July was all I thought about. Because of this, the little voice that I did have kind of died for a bit. I was lost for the whole month of July, and a good bit of August. I broke a total of five times mentally through this stretch, reaching a dangerous point of depression two times in those five times.
September rolled around. In my city they have a festival to celebrate the Georgia vs. South Carolina game. So anyway, that next night the game happened, and then I ended up heading to a party. Then, that next day I did something completely different. A few hours after I did this one thing, I got some flack about, but after explaining my situation to the person giving me flack, for it, he respected it, albeit him disagreeing with it. Then, something clicked. I felt a bit better defending my stance. A week after this, I had a huge lucky streak. Things felt like they were falling into some sort of place, though I don’t know what that was. I renewed my lease then, had a great meeting with my psychiatrist, and my social services worker in my apartment building. Seems like now, a foundation is forming to make a new life for myself.
There are some people out there that kept me from going over the edge, and I thank them greatly. There’s also some things that I started reading, like liking the ManKind Project, which linked an article about suicide that helped immensely. I now read a lot of content from that site, and it has also helped me heal. I started making better choices in foods, exercise, and all that to help heal.
Maybe part of the issue back then was I didn’t treat my illness properly. Yes, I took my medicine throughout all of this, but it really isn’t enough. I have to also make choices to make sure I avoid serious triggers like the one that plagued me all this summer. I have to make sure to do things to keep my mood stable. And more importantly, to keep my voice fresh. I feel like, that if I don’t take my illness seriously, things like those two months will happen again, and that I will die ( like I keep saying throughout this blog) eventually from it.
The important thing now, is that I’m still breathing. This is something that has really stuck with me throughout late last month into this month. If you really suffering, you just need to focus on that second. Yes, you have to deal with whatever you need to eventually, but if you are at risk, you do need just think, “just keep breathing”. As long as you can breathe, you have at a chance at hope. If you have a chance at hope, you can turn around any situation, no matter how small.
Another thing that resonated with me is that something that the TWOHA people keep putting up, “You cannot be replaced”. I always thought about how I didn’t fit in with anyone. I didn’t listen to the same music that everyone I know does. I also feel like that a lot of people who I happen to know, just really just enjoy me dancing than just honestly hanging out with me. I think that a problem was that I mistook my popularity gained by dancing to think that everyone wanted to hang out with me, when in reality, I think the majority of people probably think I’m a puppet for their entertainment. This was not a problem exclusive to dancing. I have had this problem since I turned 15. I believe this is the first day that I actually acknowledge it. However, I would like to think that I’ve touched a bit lives even if some think of me as a puppet. I’m glad if that is the case.
Now, I need to find something to invest in, a career that will ultimately allow me to do good-by the people. I need to find something to supplement the enormous empathy that I have for humanity. I’ve said this before, I don’t care anything at all about being a man. I only care about being a great human being in the end. I don’t really care about money, or power. I just want to be able to help others in some way, maybe in a way of healing the damage that the past has brought them. Something like that.
I know that I’m now able to grow stronger everyday in some way, so that is something new that I can proudly say about me. I could not say that about me in the past. Now, perhaps I can make a dream come out of this, and change more lives with it.
Closing this long post, the song accompanied to this entry is a remix of a song that I bought last year. Love, is the last component I feel that I lack. I always say that I would lack three things in the past: hope, courage, and love. I think it’s safe to say for at least this point, I have hope, and to actually write something with the contents in this post, I have some sort of courage somewhere building. And I guess you can say that while I can’t exactly profess my love for another human being just yet, I can say that I do fall in love with music a whole hell of a lot.
I mean, that has to count for something, right? So this song is something that I will add, to that utopia under the moon, which I’ll now call, the Lunar Elysium of my life.