“The Monster Within.” A post about the importance of International Survivors of Suicide Day.

I remember those days…the days where I would didn’t think there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  There were days where, because I was not treating myself, my needs, and my illness seriously.  As a result, I damaged a lot of lives, and a lot of relationships.  And, as a result of those damage relationships, I felt worse about me.  Damaged, and broken, I turned to the ways where I would try an enter the void that would be the great beyond.

Anyone with a severe mental illness will always have some thoughts of suicide.  Most, will try an attempt the act.  I’m not different.  I’ve tried myself a few times over my life, and I somehow survived.  Maybe, some of those times, I was lucky, and some of those times, I was just being controlled by my illness.  However, I did survive.

Yesterday, for about the span of 6 hours, I felt like I did back when I was at my worst.  I felt like a monster.  I felt like any little thing would trigger me to the point where I could not form up a defense for hours.  Somehow, I got through it because, I know it was in my past.  I’m not that monster anymore, and I am someone who someday hopes to be tool to those people that are like me.  However, still, it’s a struggle since even I, have a mental illness.  Some days, I get just as triggered as anyone else.  I am learning to cope better with being triggered, but I know there are a lot of people out there who are in this struggle with me that will get to a point where they will break, and will attempt to take their life if not taken super seriously.

Just as I write this, I saw a friend of mine, who I saw in my circles last night, post a status on Facebook this morning saying something to this regard.  It’s funny that he picked this day to post something like this.  I feel like, that a lot of people are ignorant to the fact that anyone that has had any traumatic experiences in their lives are succeptable to being depressed/manic/etc. to the point where they will think that they can just get back up and keep moving.  Ideally and optimally, that would be the case, but, as everyone know or should know, not everyone is wired the same way.  People react to things in different ways.  Therefore, it’s hard to know what everyone needs at every given time.  All of us can only do the best we can.

I hope he is reading this, as I sent him an inbox message before I started writing this.  On this day, it is important that we save as many lives from this as possible.  Just from my end of the spectrum in the mental health community in my little town, it is important that we find was to install hope into people.  If the people are into religious beliefs, then perhaps maybe faith and hope(I’m not really religious, so usually my faith is in people).  But we have to find a way to build those that have been broken in the many various ways so that they find life is a beautiful thing and they always can make it more beautiful by just living.  That is a tough task depending on the individual, but days like today make it so where people who have survived their darkness, and even if they haven’t gotten all the way through it, know that there are others who are right there with them.  At the end of this day, they will know that they really aren’t alone, and they are in the loving arms of the milions of people worldwide who have survived attempts at their lives.

As for me, I am at a better place that I have been in all of my life.  There is however one thing that resonates with me, and something that I do want to share with all of those readers today.  It is a poem from the The Blooming Of Madness series.  As I grow in my recovery process, and look to rehabilitate my life so that I can help those with illnesses like I do, I get feelings like I do earlier in this post.  These feelings, I know are holding me back.  On this day, I remember the times where those feelings drove me to near attempts at my own life, and now I am thankful that I survived them.  But here is poem number 37 from The Blooming Of Madness by Christopher Poindexter.   This is something a lot of us in the mental health community should meditate on in my opinion, to be able to say one day, to be able to give their best at all times.

My heart constantly

weighs upon me with the

draining notion that I

am not enough for the

people around me. 

I am terrified that they

will want more than I

could ever imagine

giving them.

This is a current fear of mine, which could end up breaking me again at some point if I don’t take care of it.  But on this day, I think these words would resonate with a lot of you.  At least this way, this is a great way to put a simple fear into beautiful words.