Some words that I remembered from the past.

In 1992, my great grandfather died.  I was 8 at the time, and I do remember about a few weeks(maybe a month) before he passed, he was at the hospital which I now live 3 blocks away from.  We went to visit him often, and I remember there was one instance where I was in the room with him by myself while everyone was getting food.  He told me something which, because I was 8, I would not really acknowledge, but now today, it probably has some merit to it.  He told me to come to the bed, and he told me these words:

It ain’t gon’ be now, but one day you gonna lead some people out of some mess ya hear?

Today was the first time I actually remembered what he said to me.  I don’t really think of myself as a leader type even now.  I think the best thing I can say about myself is that I’m learning how to cope with my illness as best as I can.  Then, maybe when I get strong enough, perhaps I can put myself in a position to bring those like me out of the dungeons of their minds.

And it isn’t just my great grandfather who has said these types of things to me.  Over my life since that quote people have said things like that to me.  I didn’t really understand for a long time why people would say things like that to me.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much that I didn’t understand, as so much as that all these people were believing in a future self of me in which in the past, I didn’t think existed.  For a long time, I did not think I would make it to the age that I am at now(I’m 29).  Since then though, I guess I understand what they are all saying now.

I guess the only thing I can do now is to just become stronger, and for the cause that I want to focus on, carry the souls that suffer from the mental illnesses, the loss from it, and those who don’t understand it like they should with me.  I watched an anime shortly before writing this, and there was a scene where an old man was talking about how a plant loses it’s leaves in the colder seasons, and gains them back in the warmer seasons.  He tied this cycle to the generations.  He said that eventually, each generation must become stronger than the previous.

If you tie this to today, you can say this is true in some cases, but not in others I guess.  Speaking clearly for me, I guess what all these people are saying is that I have something that could do a lot of good I guess.  I don’t really know if I do or not.  All I know right now is to get stronger.  Then we will see what happens.


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