A commentary about the people close to you, and defining roles in your recovery plan.

A commentary about the people close to you, and defining roles in your recovery plan.

The link above sends you to an article I read a few weeks ago.  In the article, the writer goes in depth about how a bout with depression lead to him losing somenoe very dear to him.  The thing about it was that instead of getting the necessary help that he needed to get, he actually used the relationship he was in as the sole outlet that would heal him.  Ultimately, both of them pretty much broke, and it lead to a shattered relationship.

I have had this happen to me on multiple occasions.  The one that hurts the most happened to me about 3 years ago.  Now, there were no relationships involved or anything, nor did I like anyone in a romantic sort of sense.  However, I did have some pretty close friends.  One day, I cycled into a 3 week depression, and the culmination of it was that I almost had another suicide attempt.  Well, my best friend at the time caught wind of that, and she didn’t take it that well.  Seems that the next year and a half took a toll on her, and ultimately, we ended up leading diminished roles in each other’s lives.

Now that I’m better, I think about it, and I wish that I had her friendship back, now that I am doing the right things in my recovery.  However, as someone who is a mental health patient, I wonder how hard it is to really reach out.  I can understand the apprehensions someone could have in reaching out to anyone in their past.  After all, you wonder if they can forgive the damage that has been done, and a legitimate question has to be asked in this case too in the sense that is there future damage awaiting them if they choose to associate with that person dealing with their mental health issuses.

I would be lying if i said that I did no damage, or I am any more capable of doing serious damage to others because of my illness.  I’m still repairing the damage I’ve already done from 16 years of being untreated mostly.  I guess the big thing that this article did for me, was to remind me that I am sick, and I do have to take care of that sickness, just like if I had the flu, or cancer.  It’s so easy to skew a person’s support for what we need while trying to recover individually, but I guess this reinforces that I need to take responsibility for me, not just for myself (I am the most important thing to me, but just saying), but for anyone who I am involved with from here on.  It should not be their job to be to be the sole catalyst of our salvation.  It is important that they do walk with us, yes, but we have to be more resposible for managing whatever mental illness we struggle with.

I do get it though.  With me, the two things that get me even to this day are being frightened and being confused.  Whenever I’m frightened about something, I instantly get triggered and cycle to depression.  Alternatively, when I get confused, I instantly cycle into mania.  In both of these cases in the past, I would look for someone to calm me down.  Being that I had bad issues with males in my past, I would turn to females in my life to calm me.  When I saw that they could not calm me, I would get frustrated even more, leading to more morbid thoughts.  Back then, I look for that calming down from others as my therapy, and in hindsight, that is a wrong an unfair thing to expect out of anyone.

It’s my job, to manage my feelings, and get the proper help to manage how I feel concisely.  Now, I just need people to walk with me.  That is more important than them being my salvation.  Eventually, I’ll get it down to where I can be my own salvation, in a sense, but, it is stil important to have people walk with you through your journey, you know?

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