The voice that you thought was hidden, now roars.

Since the words I wrote at the beginning of this month, I’ve made a lot of great strides.  However, it seems that they have come at a bit of a cost.

The first thing that hit me, was that the Monday after I wrote the last written post, I was told by my therapist that she would be leaving my psychiatrist facility.  She is going into private practice.  It was kind of a huge blow because we had done a LOT of great work over the three and a half months that we have worked together.  I’ve grown pretty proficient in the type of therapy she guided me through, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT for short, I got taught the emotion regulation side of it), and because of that, I was able to make great strides in my recovery plan.  As a matter of fact, I would even say it was because of her that I was able to finally begin becoming one with being bipolar.  I’ll always appreciate her for that.

As a result, my awareness about myself has gone up.  A lot of people have already said that this is one of my best traits.  I believe now, it is a lot more tuned.  I believe now, I’m in limbo.  That is because of the events of the past few days.  These two things shook me a bit, which leads me to write what I am writing now.

The first, is that I was doing some labwork Saturday morning, and my sister calls me.  She informs me that my cousin had been shot.  Now, at first, it was more of like a suicide attempt.  He is now on life support as we speak.  However, now that I’m writing on this day, there have been a lot of new developments.  This is now being investigated as a shooting.  That’s about how much I’ll go into it.  The second, is that a member of the fighting game community had a suicide attempt this past weekend.  I’m actually still catching feels with that, because he is an awesome person, and I feel like he is stronger than what illness he has.

I wanted to mention these for a few reasons.  The thing with my cousin’s shooting, and the suicide attempt, are that I felt a rise of sorts with in myself.  For example, a legitimate concern that I have, and that my side of the family also shares, is that when this was first thought a suicide attempt from my cousin, the first thing that came to my mind is where was his family to ensure that his health came in primary control?  The side of the family that is with him, are particularly higher ups in their community.  They have had a history of not being the most accepting people.  Now, it may very well be too late.  With the guy in the FGC, I feel like that in the hobby that is fighting games, I feel like mental health is stigmatized even further than in society.  As someone who has been playing for now 11 years, it is actually a great outlet to be completely honest with you.  I think however, if you fly off of the deep end like I used to years ago in a tournament setting, or if word gets out about an attempt like with this dude, I feel like a lot of the people in the community are not as accepting.

There was a major tournament for Smash Bros. this past weekend.  As I watched the various versions of the game being played, you could see the passion from all of the competitors in the venue.  As a result, a prominent fighting game member said this in a tweet: “I wish the FGC had as much love for their games like Smashers do. We’re always too busy cuttin down games that we don’t play (except SF/MVC)”.  I meditated on this a bit, and thinking about it, I see this a lot in real life.  Think about the Richard Sherman popoff after the game winning pass defense which lead to the interception in the NFC Championship this past Sunday.  He was full of adrenaline still from making that play, and you see a ton of people show their true colors on twitter.  Never mind the fact that the guy is really the best cornerback in the game, nor the fact that he graduated from STANFORD (with honors I believe), nor that he keeps himself completely clean off of the field.  Just because he popped off like that once, means he is an “ignorant monkey”.

These things I described caused me to become a bit more passionate about stuff.  I think that because of my illness, I always shy away from stances or just speaking my mind on things.  I guess that is the big thing the things I described have done to me, is that I cannot stand ignorance.  I guess when you really think about it, is that I guess we are all ignorant in some type of way.  Honestly, I’m just glad, that I’m a bit passionate about stuff again.

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