The words hope and freedom have a lot of meaning in my life. I’ve gone throughout the years searching for these and their meaning to me in my life. As I go to deeper depths in battling my perfectionistic ways, I sit here now typing, ready to challenge these words as they have applied and do apply to my life in this moment.
Let’s tackle the latter first. When I think back to my childhood and through my adolescent years, I feel like I had a ton more freedom. Even after I was diagnosed, I still had quite a good bit of freedom. I didn’t take advantage of it in a negative, or positive ways. That’s to be expected just because if the sheer notion that I was (and, for all intensive purposes, still am) young. If I were to be a bit more descriptive about those years, even despite what happened to me to shape my endeavors whilst in those years, I would say think of a scale with no weight on it. On most days, I was okay with being average. The reasoning for that is that if I didn’t get too high, then I could sort of “deal” with the lows. Again, I was young during this time, and the thing about it was that it was a failing strategy back then.
Even today, I do have quite a good bit of freedom granted to me. I would like to think that I’m a lot smarter than I was in my childhood (perhaps not by a lot). Last year, I was just glad to finally get into a stabilized situation in my life. In a sense, I don’t think I’ve had more stability at any point in my life than I have right now. This brought a new found appreciation in having this sort of “complete freedom” that I had. As you may have seen, I have been in constant limbo on if this is enough. In my heart, I don’t think it is enough to just have appreciation for whatever freedoms are granted to me anymore. The thing about it is, I always felt a huge sense of guilt when I talked about freedom at all. This also goes for in my blog. I know that somewhere, something, or someone had to sacrifice for my freedom. It could be as close as my family or friends. I can also be as far as those around the world fighting for their freedom. Maybe I have become more aware that not everyone is afforded freedoms that I have, and that, perhaps in the past, it is my fault somehow (not so much on the worldly scale).
I did not really believe in the world hope for an extremely long time. As someone who has an illness that at any given moment can make it seem like that there is no hope, it is a really difficult concept to grasp. To believe there is an outcome that is in your favor all of the time is a draining concept to the mind of a manic depressive. I can probably speculate that anyone that has had a fit of depression has felt this way in their life at some point. It is really that hard to grasp for someone for a mental illness.
There is however a way that it can happen. One with a mental illness has to have something so destructive done by their hands, and also a miracle happen. Please note that is just my belief, and it isn’t because I have had both of these things happen to me. The thing about is, with how easy for someone with a mental illness to relapse, a lot of the times when they cycle or show symptoms of whatever illness they have, a lot of the time they really are not aware of what they are doing during said cycles. If something destructive happens to where they are made aware of what happens when their symptoms happen, then they can possibly get that help they need. From that help, they can get hope that they can turn things around. There are also moments where because of the illness, unfortunate things can happen to a person just because they really cannot function like a human being. If you add the amount of abhorrent ignorance there is in the world, it can lead to situations that a miracle would need to happen. If this miracle happens, I feel like a new appreciation could possibly happen, to enhance their situation, lives, and the lives around them better. Let us be honest here as this is again, an ideological way to look at building hope, as everyone is different as well as there are more untreated people with a mental illness than are those who are in treatment.
Now I think about hope, and for the longest time I was in limbo about it. It was a new feeling to me, and it left me asking, “what is next?” Now, I ask myself, “what is hope if I can’t help others build hope up in themselves, too?” Considering my position in life, I feel like that it isn’t enough anymore for me to hope. I want to see if I can build hope in others in some sort of way. Even with my illness and those days where I will feel utterly hopeless and defeated, I still think that maybe if more people had a little hope in their situations, the world would be overall better. I feel the same way with freedom. Maybe in some way, I could help with that too.
I know that the world is cruel. There is a lot of ignorance, judgment, and an overall lack of objectivity in the majority of the world. There are injustices, people being hurt and broken every minute perhaps. I don’t know, I guess where I am right now, is I want to not only enjoy my personal journey through life, but also help people enjoy theirs as well, especially those like me. A lot of us like me are those geniuses and prodigies that a lot of the world would call weird, crazy, or psycho. I’ve also have been called these things over my life as well. And while everyone cannot be saved, I guess maybe with this blog, and hopefully in the future, one person will read these words, or hear me speak, or anything like that, and be better by them.
I’m one person though, one who tries to do too much a lot of the time, who trolls people a good bit (you guys have no idea), and who breaks occasionally for no reason whatsoever. However, I think I can do something, and that something is better than nothing, right?