Beyond The Hope. Beyond The Freedom.

The words hope and freedom have a lot of meaning in my life. I’ve gone throughout the years searching for these and their meaning to me in my life. As I go to deeper depths in battling my perfectionistic ways, I sit here now typing, ready to challenge these words as they have applied and do apply to my life in this moment.

Let’s tackle the latter first. When I think back to my childhood and through my adolescent years, I feel like I had a ton more freedom. Even after I was diagnosed, I still had quite a good bit of freedom. I didn’t take advantage of it in a negative, or positive ways. That’s to be expected just because if the sheer notion that I was (and, for all intensive purposes, still am) young. If I were to be a bit more descriptive about those years, even despite what happened to me to shape my endeavors whilst in those years, I would say think of a scale with no weight on it. On most days, I was okay with being average. The reasoning for that is that if I didn’t get too high, then I could sort of “deal” with the lows. Again, I was young during this time, and the thing about it was that it was a failing strategy back then.

Even today, I do have quite a good bit of freedom granted to me.  I would like to think that I’m a lot smarter than I was in my childhood (perhaps not by a lot).  Last year, I was just glad to finally get into a stabilized situation in my life.  In a sense, I don’t think I’ve had more stability at any point in my life than I have right now.  This brought a new found appreciation in having this sort of “complete freedom” that I had.  As you may have seen, I have been in constant limbo on if this is enough.  In my heart, I don’t think it is enough to just have appreciation for whatever freedoms are granted to me anymore.  The thing about it is, I always felt a huge sense of guilt when I talked about freedom at all.  This also goes for in my blog.  I know that somewhere, something, or someone had to sacrifice for my freedom.  It could be as close as my family or friends.  I can also be as far as those around the world fighting for their freedom.  Maybe I have become more aware that not everyone is afforded freedoms that I have, and that, perhaps in the past, it is my fault somehow (not so much on the worldly scale).

I did not really believe in the world hope for an extremely long time.  As someone who has an illness that at any given moment can make it seem like that there is no hope, it is a really difficult concept to grasp.  To believe there is an outcome that is in your favor all of the time is a draining concept to the mind of a manic depressive.  I can probably speculate that anyone that has had a fit of depression has felt this way in their life at some point.  It is really that hard to grasp for someone for a mental illness.

There is however a way that it can happen.  One with a mental illness has to have something so destructive done by their hands, and also a miracle happen.  Please note that is just my belief, and it isn’t because I have had both of these things happen to me.  The thing about is, with how easy for someone with a mental illness to relapse, a lot of the times when they cycle or show symptoms of whatever illness they have, a lot of the time they really are not aware of what they are doing during said cycles.  If something destructive happens to where they are made aware of what happens when their symptoms happen, then they can possibly get that help they need.  From that help, they can get hope that they can turn things around.  There are also moments where because of the illness, unfortunate things can happen to a person just because they really cannot function like a human being.  If you add the amount of abhorrent ignorance there is in the world, it can lead to situations that a miracle would need to happen.  If this miracle happens, I feel like a new appreciation could possibly happen, to enhance their situation, lives, and the lives around them better.  Let us be honest here as this is again, an ideological way to look at building hope, as everyone is different as well as there are more untreated people with a mental illness than are those who are in treatment.

Now I think about hope, and for the longest time I was in limbo about it.  It was a new feeling to me, and it left me asking, “what is next?”  Now, I ask myself, “what is hope if I can’t help others build hope up in themselves, too?”  Considering my position in life, I feel like that it isn’t enough anymore for me to hope.  I want to see if I can build hope in others in some sort of way.  Even with my illness and those days where I will feel utterly hopeless and defeated, I still think that maybe if more people had a little hope in their situations, the world would be overall better.  I feel the same way with freedom.  Maybe in some way, I could help with that too.

I know that the world is cruel.  There is a lot of ignorance, judgment, and an overall lack of objectivity in the majority of the world.  There are injustices, people being hurt and broken every minute perhaps.  I don’t know, I guess where I am right now, is I want to not only enjoy my personal journey through life, but also help people enjoy theirs as well, especially those like me.  A lot of us like me are those geniuses and prodigies that a lot of the world would call weird, crazy, or psycho.  I’ve also have been called these things over my life as well.  And while everyone cannot be saved, I guess maybe with this blog, and hopefully in the future, one person will read these words, or hear me speak, or anything like that, and be better by them.

I’m one person though, one who tries to do too much a lot of the time, who trolls people a good bit (you guys have no idea), and who breaks occasionally for no reason whatsoever.  However, I think I can do something, and that something is better than nothing, right?

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6 Reasons You Should Own Your Mental Illness

This is a really good read. As a bipolar patient, and throughout all of mental health, I feel like the words are very important as you should really own your illness. After all, it’s a part of you, right?

Thought Catalog

Sadie HernandezSadie Hernandez

It wasn’t until my Junior year of college that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. I had been previously diagnosed with depression but no combination of medications ever seemed to work. When I told my Psychiatrist that when I wasn’t feeling low I was committing to too many projects, sleeping 3 hours a night, and feeling like my brain would implode from racing thoughts and concerns the diagnosis changed. I remember being in high school and my friends commenting that my interests were erratic and I changed my mind about things constantly. At first I thought…yikes. How will I tell my family about this, friends, a lover, anyone? How will I ever control and possibly even hide this thing so no one suspects anything is different?

I struggled for about a year to reconcile my expectations of myself with my diagnosis. I once heard two older women…

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A cool article to help keep people like myself striving in the journey.

A cool article to help keep people like myself striving in the journey.

This article here is something that I read while I was really struggling earlier this week. 

It’s just striving for the importance of keeping yourself doing the right things with bipolar disorder.  The descriptions he portrays are good comparisons with everyone with bipolar disorder, but to be honest, this can be also be adopted with anyone with a mental illness.

As for me, I’m doing a lot better.  I think the shock from the early part of the week was that I am starting to feel alive again, and in that, I felt a lot of emotions that I didn’t really have before now.  This led me into a sort of shocked and frightened state of mind, because I did not know how to process the new emotions that I was feeling at the time.

Striving to be perfect in everything, I missed a lot of things.  Thanks to the support of a lot of people, I was able to recover.  Granted, I still stand by what I said in my last entry.  I am very blinded still.  Learning how to not look for perfection at every corner is actually taking a lot out of me.  However, I think that, if I keep at it, I can get better at it, and I can keep growing as a person.

I think though, I’ve been growing.  Now, I can enjoy the journey while growing all at the same time.

Debunking my mind: the origins of the perfect journey.

For the past couple of nights, I’ve had quite a few anxiety attacks.  I knew that I didn’t need to be alone, yet it felt like that my body did not want to move.  It was so bad that I was really close to calling someone to take me to the Emergency room.  As I lay on my couch, I didn’t know what was happening, or why it was happening.

I got up to look in my closet for something, and I found a teddy bear in there that may have been transferred in the moving.  Surprisingly enough, it brought me a little comfort, at least enough for me to sleep on this night.

You see, growing up, and even into my adolescent years, I slept with a stuffed animal at night.  If I ever lost the animal, I would go into a panic state.  The reason I slept with a stuffed animal was because growing up, I felt extremely isolated from everyone.  This isolation was so severe, that said stuffed animal became for the most part my friends at a stretch.  Keep in mind that I had a sister with me, and I was generally well liked at school or anywhere I went.  Even then, I still felt distant from everyone I knew.  This also plagues me to this very moment.

I guess now thinking about it, challenging my perfectionistic ways drove me to this teddy bear that night.  Right now, I’m unlearning what my mind has crafted for essentially my whole life.  This type of strain may have caused the attacks on the days prior.

I know right now, I’m still very anxious, and because of that, I feel extremely blind mentally.  I hope that it really isn’t too late that I am working on my perfectionism.  To be honest, I seriously wonder if I have what it takes to tame it.

The perfect struggle in being, imperfect.

I wanted to write what I’m about to write early in this week.  Due to me living in Georgia however, I did not get a chance to do this.

Going into this past week, I was more irritated, and angry of sorts.  At the same time, this cycled me into a severe depressive state.  As you may have seen in the past few post, I have been struggling with the notion that while I am not by any means in a bad position right now, I know that I can do more with my life.

For example, I went to a tournament this past Saturday.  I did obscenely well in one tournament as I entered two of them.  In each of the matches I played up until I lost and got 3rd place, I played against people who more and more people who were way more hungry for improvement that I was.  As I played through the tournament, it fired me up a bit.  So much so, that I even enjoyed playing all of them. 

As that next day went on, a person in the SC fighting game group came and asked for the results, then after the results were shared, he said that he would have won this tournament easily.  This raised me up, because of what I mentioned prior.  I wasn’t going to let some person degrade the good work and the fire in the players’ hearts on that day, especially if he was not at the event.  This may have been the catalyst in the boiling agitation. 

This boiled over throughout the next few days, where I figured it out something that was unrelated to the actual goings on of the event.  The agitation brewed over to other things in my life, and at one point, I was getting to the point where I would be disgusted at photos on Instagram.  Then after a bit of reflection, I figured it out.

My greatest flaw, which affects my whole life currently, was more there than anything.  I have a huge problem with being perfect.  There are a lot of issues which stem from my childhood that play into this.  However, with the newfound control over my illness that I have, I am able to tackle this head on.  This affects every aspect in my life currently.  I can’t ever see the person that most people probably see.  I procrastinate and become apathetic about things because I try and wait for the right moment.  I get frustrated when I can’t execute something quickly.  I get severely depressed when a perfect plan hits a horrible snag that I didn’t see coming.  The list goes on.

Now, you can imagine how this and being in recovery with bipolar type 2 can be hell a times, and it really is.  I think though, that the important thing to note is that though I always knew about this flaw, I could not identify how it was affecting my life.  Now, that I’m doing the right things recovery wise, I can now understand how perfectionism is keeping me completely down.

My hypothesis is if I focus really hard on not striving for the perfect situation, and instead practice optimizing situations as much as I can, this will unlock the next level of my personal growth and recovery with my illness.  I’m thankful that I’m strong enough now to be able to realize this, or rather, I now have the wisdom to recognize, and do something about this.

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day, a week before it.

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day, a week before it.

The article above is from a site I love reading things from, The Good Men Project.  In it, the author talks candidly about her ex-husband.  He suffers from depression.  She give a great comparison by using a childhood crush, the Incredible Hulk, as a way to describe her relationship with her ex-husband.  Ultimately, it was them seeing things differently.  He always saw chaos and destruction like the Hulk did.  She always saw the genius doctor, Bruce Banner.

I used to have this view.  For a long time, I have always seen myself as some kind of monster.  Someone who is incapable of love or being loved.  After all, the tolls of my personal struggles have caused immense damage to people who would have been the best things for me today.  However, I can’t take them back, nor do I want to.  Those days I was like the subject of this article.  Honestly, if you think about it, there is always a chance that I can go back to be the viewpoint of the ex-husband, though that is something I do not desire.

Part of the struggles I had last month was I knew I can do more in every aspect in my life.  With that, I know that there are perhaps people that I know who see or interact to on a daily basis that I could open my heart to.  There even could be someone in those very people that I could maybe perhaps fall for.  The only way to that is to be open, which is the opposite of my Cancerian nature. 

I’m going to my first appointment with my new therapist on Tuesday.  Perhaps she can help me with the main issues that will allow me to be more open.  Anyway, I think that I am going to step out of my comfort zone, and do something really cool for some gals I know on Valentine’s day.  Sometimes, little surprises can do a world of good in a life.  I’m literally not going to be doing this to not try and get into dating anyone, as I’m not ready yet mentally for something that big.  The thing I want to try and capture, is that for some this can probably be a lonely holiday, and I think just showing a little gratitude will go a long way for some people.