The perfect struggle in being, imperfect.

I wanted to write what I’m about to write early in this week.  Due to me living in Georgia however, I did not get a chance to do this.

Going into this past week, I was more irritated, and angry of sorts.  At the same time, this cycled me into a severe depressive state.  As you may have seen in the past few post, I have been struggling with the notion that while I am not by any means in a bad position right now, I know that I can do more with my life.

For example, I went to a tournament this past Saturday.  I did obscenely well in one tournament as I entered two of them.  In each of the matches I played up until I lost and got 3rd place, I played against people who more and more people who were way more hungry for improvement that I was.  As I played through the tournament, it fired me up a bit.  So much so, that I even enjoyed playing all of them. 

As that next day went on, a person in the SC fighting game group came and asked for the results, then after the results were shared, he said that he would have won this tournament easily.  This raised me up, because of what I mentioned prior.  I wasn’t going to let some person degrade the good work and the fire in the players’ hearts on that day, especially if he was not at the event.  This may have been the catalyst in the boiling agitation. 

This boiled over throughout the next few days, where I figured it out something that was unrelated to the actual goings on of the event.  The agitation brewed over to other things in my life, and at one point, I was getting to the point where I would be disgusted at photos on Instagram.  Then after a bit of reflection, I figured it out.

My greatest flaw, which affects my whole life currently, was more there than anything.  I have a huge problem with being perfect.  There are a lot of issues which stem from my childhood that play into this.  However, with the newfound control over my illness that I have, I am able to tackle this head on.  This affects every aspect in my life currently.  I can’t ever see the person that most people probably see.  I procrastinate and become apathetic about things because I try and wait for the right moment.  I get frustrated when I can’t execute something quickly.  I get severely depressed when a perfect plan hits a horrible snag that I didn’t see coming.  The list goes on.

Now, you can imagine how this and being in recovery with bipolar type 2 can be hell a times, and it really is.  I think though, that the important thing to note is that though I always knew about this flaw, I could not identify how it was affecting my life.  Now, that I’m doing the right things recovery wise, I can now understand how perfectionism is keeping me completely down.

My hypothesis is if I focus really hard on not striving for the perfect situation, and instead practice optimizing situations as much as I can, this will unlock the next level of my personal growth and recovery with my illness.  I’m thankful that I’m strong enough now to be able to realize this, or rather, I now have the wisdom to recognize, and do something about this.

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