A new breakthrough: What lies there beyond the perfect.

It has been quite a bit since I’ve written anything on here.  Coming off of the hugest breakdown of the year thus far for myself, I had to search for a lot of answers.

I did figure out that I had a bad streak of perfectionism, and had been actively working on it for the past few months.  A part of my growth as a person is based on the type of discernment that comes with knowing myself in a deeper sense.  To be honest with those of you who read this, I didn’t really know who I was.  No, perhaps that is the wrong way to put it.  A better way to put it would be that I never had a clear view of who I was, and what I wanted, because I always suppressed what I desired.  To a certain point, I still do that.  Why though?

Well, earlier this month, I had a huge breakdown as I have mentioned.  In this breakdown, I felt exactly like the times in my childhood and adolescence where I would just shut down.  I’d shut down so bad that I would not talk to anyone.  It isn’t like I didn’t want to talk, it was more like my mind was paralyzed.  I took my medicine and vitamins throughout this stretch, and I was generally safe.  My mind however, was a complete prison.

That Thursday, I decided to up my mouth game a little bit.  So, I got some sesame oil out of my kitchen and did something called oil pulling.  While I was doing this, I thought about one of the feelings that kept recurring as that time happened. “Second Best”.

There have been so many things in my life where I felt like I wasn’t good enough.  This predicated and fueled my perfectionism.  These feelings of inferiority stemmed all the way from my childhood, and those same feelings were a big thing in causing me to shutdown.  So, being that I could not get to my mentor or my counselor, I shared these feelings with a friend of mine.  That led to a big weight off of my shoulders.

Then, the following Tuesday, I told my counselor about everything that happened.  She was pretty proud that I came through this.  Then, I saw my mentor when heading home.  I told him what had happened.  Then, he put in a call about me becoming a peer counselor at my psychiatrist’s office! 

As for me, this realization opened up my world a lot more.  My relationships with people have improved immensely.  I feel more open, and not always having to be one step ahead of everyone.  More importantly, I feel absolutely confident. 

I wonder where this strange road will lead up.  I think maybe now I can do some good because of my personal breakthrough.  Everyone’s struggle is different, unique, and beautiful, I guess.  All I can really say is, I’ll be able to do more damage and heal some more lives because of this!