It has been quite a bit since I’ve written anything on here. Coming off of the hugest breakdown of the year thus far for myself, I had to search for a lot of answers.
I did figure out that I had a bad streak of perfectionism, and had been actively working on it for the past few months. A part of my growth as a person is based on the type of discernment that comes with knowing myself in a deeper sense. To be honest with those of you who read this, I didn’t really know who I was. No, perhaps that is the wrong way to put it. A better way to put it would be that I never had a clear view of who I was, and what I wanted, because I always suppressed what I desired. To a certain point, I still do that. Why though?
Well, earlier this month, I had a huge breakdown as I have mentioned. In this breakdown, I felt exactly like the times in my childhood and adolescence where I would just shut down. I’d shut down so bad that I would not talk to anyone. It isn’t like I didn’t want to talk, it was more like my mind was paralyzed. I took my medicine and vitamins throughout this stretch, and I was generally safe. My mind however, was a complete prison.
That Thursday, I decided to up my mouth game a little bit. So, I got some sesame oil out of my kitchen and did something called oil pulling. While I was doing this, I thought about one of the feelings that kept recurring as that time happened. “Second Best”.
There have been so many things in my life where I felt like I wasn’t good enough. This predicated and fueled my perfectionism. These feelings of inferiority stemmed all the way from my childhood, and those same feelings were a big thing in causing me to shutdown. So, being that I could not get to my mentor or my counselor, I shared these feelings with a friend of mine. That led to a big weight off of my shoulders.
Then, the following Tuesday, I told my counselor about everything that happened. She was pretty proud that I came through this. Then, I saw my mentor when heading home. I told him what had happened. Then, he put in a call about me becoming a peer counselor at my psychiatrist’s office!
As for me, this realization opened up my world a lot more. My relationships with people have improved immensely. I feel more open, and not always having to be one step ahead of everyone. More importantly, I feel absolutely confident.
I wonder where this strange road will lead up. I think maybe now I can do some good because of my personal breakthrough. Everyone’s struggle is different, unique, and beautiful, I guess. All I can really say is, I’ll be able to do more damage and heal some more lives because of this!