To become a hero.

I haven’t written or shared any content since the end of April.  This is because I’ve been really busy in every aspect in my life.

However, here, 24 days before I turn 30, I would like to say that I’ve almost caught up to where life has been leading me.

As you know, at the time I wrote that last post, I was in the process of getting hired by my psychiatrist’s office at their other facility.  That has since happened.  Now, I am on the way to getting my Paraprofessional and CPS certifications.  In the middle of June through my birthday, I’ll be heading to a wonderful training course with the CPS program in Georgia, and I couldn’t be more excited!  Even now, a lot of the consumers that I work with really look up to me.  It was a learning process too.  I’m not the one who is the best at discerning situations, and now I’m getting the hang of it.  I have a very good boss who is leading me in the right way, and all of the other staff are very helpful.  I couldn’t be happier where I landed.

I have to say that now that I have three months under my belt working and volunteering where I’m at, I understand the other side of the mental health world a little better.  I now understand that there are some people who do fail their consumers.  I also know that there are people who will always look down on people who have mental illnesses as well.  It really doesn’t matter to me what they think now.  I would like to take you back to last year.  I was going after the 30 day writing challenge, and on one of the days, I got a really negative comment.  It was someone who perhaps I had talked to in my area a bit, and this person called me a mooch, and made ignorant assumptions that I wanted to date some of the people in the entry that I made, which I’ve since deleted.  I think about that scenario, and I tie it into what I hear and see on a daily basis.  Like me, some of these people need an honest chance, and someone to believe in them.  I don’t think someone deserves to work with people who from the start have a preordained judgment on you, and sadly, for those who are a lot more broken, that is their reality.

As you all know, I do watch anime.  However, the type of anime I watch mostly are ones with an average person going in and doing something extraordinary.  I’m really drawn to them in the sense that I feel like I’m like that.  I used to be so flashy and flamboyant and such, but in reality, I just felt like I had to be like that in order to feel average.  Now, I think with how many people are on my side now, I have to think that some how I touched them in some way.  Just like those average heroes in those animes who gain a lot of followers as the episodes go on, I feel like that has happened to me today socially.

Maybe I should let them in a lot more.  I’m not really the best at that.  Isolation is a big enemy of mine. Maybe it’s more of I don’t know what to do, now that in a societal view, I would be called normal.  I don’t know, it just seems so new to me I guess.

Now, I go into the next phase of goals for myself.  As I’ve said, I want to make a splash in the fighting game community in the next few years.  Also, I have been doing an okay workout, and I would like to do some more with it.  So, I’m going to study a bit of Bruce Lee’s workout regimen.  He always spent a lot of time on fine tuning his body for fighting.  So, I’m going to be adopting some of his stuff.  I think in an overall sense, I just want to be a bit more consistent in my life moving forward.  I feel like, that with the way things were going, I didn’t really have a lot of control of what I was doing.  Now, I have a lot more, and it feels good.

But, I think that with the things I’m looking into and this blog, I can maybe be a hero to one or two people.  So hopefully, all these things will rewrite someone’s future!  Keep reading guys!  I got some more stuff on the horizon!

Rewriting a hopeless future.

For the past week, I’ve been thinking about the amount of progress I’ve made in this short amount of time.

I’ve thought about the support I’ve gotten (which has been a lot more than I can imagine it would have been), and I am grateful in that for sure.

Today, I go before the therapist that I’m working with to finally tackle the final issue that catapulted me to get myself to the point of starting in my own personal recovery.  I think that, when I overcome the feelings involved with what happened back then, I believe that I will have made a crucial step into my own ongoing recovery.

I believe some time ago, I posted in an entry what my birth tarot cards were.  One of those was the strength card.  If you know anything about tarot, the main thing about this card is that it revolves around inner strength. I guess with me, I have always had an immense amount of inner strength, but I did not have the means to draw it out.  I feel like that today, I am on the way to learning how to tap into this more consistently as well as in more creative ways.  

I guess, I’m still in a bit of a shock over how things are now.  A lot of the consumers that I work with, they may or may not have the chance to take a future that is blinded to them by their past, improper managing of their symptoms and triggers, or perhaps the circles keep them in inconsistent situations where they cannot get the stability to believe or think like this.  Because of my empathetic nature, I will not lie to you and say that it breaks my heart seeing what I see on a daily basis.  

I am fully aware that I am one person, and I cannot save everyone.  I guess if I can guide one consumer to thinking that their future is not hopeless, that their future can always be changed, I think I would have done my job really well.  Even if I am in shock over what I see, I won’t run from it.  This position, is my future.  A future, which was given to me by me doing what I could to get better.  No, that’s not exactly accurate.  I did what I needed to, to survive.  I was one of those who thought there was nothing for my future.  Somehow, I rewrote that.  Hopefully, I’ll do the same with some other people!

Mentally ill people aren’t killers, or abusers. Angry people are.

I wanted to share this. This entry brings some much needed clarification to the notion that the majority of people diagnosed with a mental illness are also those that are extremely violent.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

PTSD – is also not an excuse for violence, domestic violence, or abuse.

It is always the PTSD sufferers responsibility to manage any anger, express it appropriately, and if too difficult – remove themselves from people and family etc – until they can.

I agree with this…

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2014/04/anger_causes_violence_treat_it_rather_than_mental_illness_to_stop_mass_murder.html?wpisrc=burger_bar

The following is from this ^ link.

In the 1980s, around the time of the massive deinstitutionalization of the mentally ill, I was working toward my degree in clinical psychology by training at a psychiatric hospital in Washington, D.C. One sweet, diminutive, elderly patient sometimes wandered the halls. She had been committed to the hospital after she stabbed someone in a supermarket. She was what is sometimes referred to as a revolving-door patient: She was schizophrenic and heard frightening voices in her head, and when she became psychotic enough, she would be hospitalized, stabilized on medication, and then released back to the…

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A beautiful commercial from the most unlikely.

I want you to take a look at this commercial, and get touch by it like I did.

A lot of times people see someone doing a selfless act and bring an instant judgement on it. They call it foolish.

What if we all did some small form of altruism? Something very empathic and pure?

Think about that as you watch this video.

Proclamation fo…

I wanted to touch on this briefly.  April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM).  In most people’s minds, you would normally think about sexual assault with women.  However, assault can also be in males.  According to the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 10% of victims are male in 2003.  One out of every ten males is something that could be alarming, and also missed by a lot of people.

Males will have a lot of problems after they are assaulted.  Some of those problems could include:

  • Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and depression
  • Alcoholism and drug abuse
  • Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts
  • Problems in intimate relationships
  • Underachievement at school and at work

Something that I have never revealed in any of my blogs (or at least to my knowledge) is that I was assaulted when I was a child.  I have had those bullets all happen to me.  Thanks to some counseling this year, I was able to tackle this head on.  I can actually gladly say that I am a survivor.  I also work with a lot of victims of assault, as well as those who are assaulted.  Maybe with more advocacy, and awareness, some of these individuals can be rehabilitated into the community, and not shunned.  I think that with a lot of males, because the societal tendency to make males not voice their feelings, a lot of things get hidden.  I’m thankful that I was able to come to terms with my own issues with what happened to me, and I hope with the people I work with on a daily basis I can help them.

I invite you to take a look, if you haven’t already, at the below quote. This is the proclamation for a healthy future from the SAAM site.  If you or someone you know has been assaulted, male or female, give it a look, and remember that you are a survivor.

 

Proclamation for a healthy future

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This year’s campaign is dedicated to healthy sexuality and young people.

Your Voice. Our Future. Prevent Sexual Violence.

Healthy sexuality means having the knowledge and power to express sexuality in ways that enrich our lives. It’s about every person being able to make consensual, respectful, and informed choices. There is no room for pressure, violence, or control.

Healthy sexuality is a vision for sex, relationships, and growth supported by positive skills, helpful information, and open communication.

We proclaim our right to information and resources to empower us and our communities to build healthy relationships and a healthy future.

We will use our voices to share information and skills to support healthy sexuality.

We will connect with adults in our lives that support and listen to us. We will show others the positive role young
people play in changing the future.

We will engage with our peers, learn from one another, and model the respect we all deserve.

We will connect with resources in our communities to be involved in projects that promote healthy sexuality and public awareness about sexual violence.

We will challenge unhealthy messages and stereotypes in our culture and the media. We will use our voices to counter misrepresentations and promote respect.

Healthy sexuality is a vision to end sexual violence. We can all create positive change for the future and prevent
sexual violence.

My voice promotes a healthy future for all. I am an agent of change.

The changes that have to come. (Happy One Year Post!)

As I promised, I finally am ready to write this.

I was hired by my psychiatrist’s office 4 weeks ago to train to become a Certified Peer Specialist.  I was kind of shocked at the whole process.  I had just come off of the biggest breakthrough of my recovery thus far, and I just mentioned this to my mentor about it.  He then talked to the head person in my clinic, and the rest is history.

Because this all happened so fast, I’ve had to adjust a lot of things on the fly.  While I have been doing well, I know that there are more things to adjust, and more things to manage, and deal with.  Maybe my intelligence will carry me a long way, and I can keep my composure very well, as I improve in using the skills that I’ve learned from my counseling and reading myself.  The thing about it is, is that one of my triggers is getting overwhelmed.  Depending on my cycles, I know that keeping a good, balanced schedule will be key moving forward.

Well, since I’ve been “volunteering” at the peer center I’m at (the paperwork hasn’t been processed yet for me to get on this payroll), I’ve been asked to go to a big dinner with all of Georgia’s big names in mental health.  There are also some politicians that will be there, as well as probably every mayoral candidate in the city of Augusta (we have a big race coming up in November).  I’m pretty excited about the opportunity to hob nob with higher ups in Augusta.  It’s even a bonus that they are in my field that I want to excel in.  Thinking about the opportunity, and then talking to my mentor today really put something into perspective.

I’m no longer just a patient anymore.  Well, maybe I still am, and will always be to some degree.  However, I now also have patients, colleagues, and a boss to answer to.  I’ll have to set an example for not only this psychiatrist’s office, but also the ones that are struggling worse than I am with their illnesses.  Therefore, a lot of changes have to come in my social life.

The first change, is that I am going to completely stop dancing altogether in the terms of bars.  The one thing that has made my name in the nightlife scene, I’m going to walk away from.  Also, I will have to take a harder, and more discerning look at who I hang out with currently.  I know that I have made great strides in this, and I know that I must have the positive people in my life.  Those who love to dream, and those who are consistently trying to improve themselves or their lives.  I can’t waste time on those who want to wait for the weekend and party all of the time.  Sure, that is nice to do a bit if you are doing this responsibly.  The fact of it is, is that many people do not.  I cannot tolerate that anymore.  I will still go out frequently, however, I know that I have to be more aware of my surroundings, and be sure to do nothing that will sully the names of the people who have giving me a new chance at life.

At the same time, I want to seriously make a dent into the fighting game community.  I feel like that in today’s circles, a lot of the people who you see in streams are really not for trying to make the community better as a whole when it comes to American game play.  I’d like to try to travel a bit more and compete in some tournaments in the future.  I feel like that right now, with my newly acquired coping skills, I can make a bit of a splash in the community, and leave it as good as I can make it.  As a matter of fact, I am even putting on a huge training session in May where people from two other states are coming to play each other.  To learn strategies, share experiences, and to just have fun at a great hobby.

I know that in everyday life, it will be absolutely difficult to implement and make the right moves every time.  This line of work is also going to be the most difficult one I’ve every faced.  Everyday, it is like I’m looking at a mirror image of myself now six years ago.  The patients here have different illnesses than I do, yes.  They all share one thing that I know all too well, as well as the other staff, and some of my bosses:  They are all have broken in some sort of way.  The only thing I can think to do is to do the best that I can.  I also think that with everything that is going on with me, it would be an injustice to them, and myself to keep things the way they are.  If I really want people to leave me looking at their life better than what it was before they met me, then I must embrace the changes, and keep growing.

Also, today it has been a year since I have written in this blog, and six years that I have been blogging in general!  Who would have thought that in six years of writing, I would find the tools, and the people who would lead me to find the revolution in my life that lead me to where I am today.  I want to do more than this, and perhaps it is amazing in and of itself that I am now in a position to do what I wanted to do with this blog in the first place.  Do you remember what that is?

To constantly do amazing things.

Quick read on Mindfulness.

Quick read on Mindfulness.

I’ve been on the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) form of treatment for quite sometime now.  Even though that it was primarily used to treat those with Borderline Personality Disorder, it has helped me very well in taking my coping skills to the next level.  

This article from TWLOHA slightly touches of the foundation of DBT, which is Mindfulness.  Think about taking a subject, and being able to just accept it.  You don’t have any reaction to it, thoughts, opinions, or anything of the like.  This something that is easy in saying.  This is hard to master, as I’m finding out.

I hope you enjoy the read!  I know that I said that I would have a big update post ready, but I got hired by my psychiatrist’s office!  Therefore, my time is stretched thin.  However, I will find some time to write about what has happened since that last huge post that I made!

Empathy: The Great Equalizer.

Empathy: The Great Equalizer.

This is a great read about how empathy can affect a lot of lives, including our own.  One of the things that is not in abundance in this world are people that can look at a given situation through another person’s point of view and take that into their lives to make their life better.

One of the things that I pride myself on and has been a big help in my personal recovery, is being as mindful, and empathetic to others’ situations.  Because of this, I feel like that perhaps there I have changed a handful of lives, and ultimately, I changed my own life because of this.  So, if you are suffering from any mental illness, I invite you to take a few minutes and read this.

There are also links to a test that I guess measure how empathetic you are as well as how sympathetic you are.  I invite you to take these and see where you stand!  

Expect a new entry with how I’ve been doing in the next week or so!

A new breakthrough: What lies there beyond the perfect.

It has been quite a bit since I’ve written anything on here.  Coming off of the hugest breakdown of the year thus far for myself, I had to search for a lot of answers.

I did figure out that I had a bad streak of perfectionism, and had been actively working on it for the past few months.  A part of my growth as a person is based on the type of discernment that comes with knowing myself in a deeper sense.  To be honest with those of you who read this, I didn’t really know who I was.  No, perhaps that is the wrong way to put it.  A better way to put it would be that I never had a clear view of who I was, and what I wanted, because I always suppressed what I desired.  To a certain point, I still do that.  Why though?

Well, earlier this month, I had a huge breakdown as I have mentioned.  In this breakdown, I felt exactly like the times in my childhood and adolescence where I would just shut down.  I’d shut down so bad that I would not talk to anyone.  It isn’t like I didn’t want to talk, it was more like my mind was paralyzed.  I took my medicine and vitamins throughout this stretch, and I was generally safe.  My mind however, was a complete prison.

That Thursday, I decided to up my mouth game a little bit.  So, I got some sesame oil out of my kitchen and did something called oil pulling.  While I was doing this, I thought about one of the feelings that kept recurring as that time happened. “Second Best”.

There have been so many things in my life where I felt like I wasn’t good enough.  This predicated and fueled my perfectionism.  These feelings of inferiority stemmed all the way from my childhood, and those same feelings were a big thing in causing me to shutdown.  So, being that I could not get to my mentor or my counselor, I shared these feelings with a friend of mine.  That led to a big weight off of my shoulders.

Then, the following Tuesday, I told my counselor about everything that happened.  She was pretty proud that I came through this.  Then, I saw my mentor when heading home.  I told him what had happened.  Then, he put in a call about me becoming a peer counselor at my psychiatrist’s office! 

As for me, this realization opened up my world a lot more.  My relationships with people have improved immensely.  I feel more open, and not always having to be one step ahead of everyone.  More importantly, I feel absolutely confident. 

I wonder where this strange road will lead up.  I think maybe now I can do some good because of my personal breakthrough.  Everyone’s struggle is different, unique, and beautiful, I guess.  All I can really say is, I’ll be able to do more damage and heal some more lives because of this!

Beyond The Hope. Beyond The Freedom.

The words hope and freedom have a lot of meaning in my life. I’ve gone throughout the years searching for these and their meaning to me in my life. As I go to deeper depths in battling my perfectionistic ways, I sit here now typing, ready to challenge these words as they have applied and do apply to my life in this moment.

Let’s tackle the latter first. When I think back to my childhood and through my adolescent years, I feel like I had a ton more freedom. Even after I was diagnosed, I still had quite a good bit of freedom. I didn’t take advantage of it in a negative, or positive ways. That’s to be expected just because if the sheer notion that I was (and, for all intensive purposes, still am) young. If I were to be a bit more descriptive about those years, even despite what happened to me to shape my endeavors whilst in those years, I would say think of a scale with no weight on it. On most days, I was okay with being average. The reasoning for that is that if I didn’t get too high, then I could sort of “deal” with the lows. Again, I was young during this time, and the thing about it was that it was a failing strategy back then.

Even today, I do have quite a good bit of freedom granted to me.  I would like to think that I’m a lot smarter than I was in my childhood (perhaps not by a lot).  Last year, I was just glad to finally get into a stabilized situation in my life.  In a sense, I don’t think I’ve had more stability at any point in my life than I have right now.  This brought a new found appreciation in having this sort of “complete freedom” that I had.  As you may have seen, I have been in constant limbo on if this is enough.  In my heart, I don’t think it is enough to just have appreciation for whatever freedoms are granted to me anymore.  The thing about it is, I always felt a huge sense of guilt when I talked about freedom at all.  This also goes for in my blog.  I know that somewhere, something, or someone had to sacrifice for my freedom.  It could be as close as my family or friends.  I can also be as far as those around the world fighting for their freedom.  Maybe I have become more aware that not everyone is afforded freedoms that I have, and that, perhaps in the past, it is my fault somehow (not so much on the worldly scale).

I did not really believe in the world hope for an extremely long time.  As someone who has an illness that at any given moment can make it seem like that there is no hope, it is a really difficult concept to grasp.  To believe there is an outcome that is in your favor all of the time is a draining concept to the mind of a manic depressive.  I can probably speculate that anyone that has had a fit of depression has felt this way in their life at some point.  It is really that hard to grasp for someone for a mental illness.

There is however a way that it can happen.  One with a mental illness has to have something so destructive done by their hands, and also a miracle happen.  Please note that is just my belief, and it isn’t because I have had both of these things happen to me.  The thing about is, with how easy for someone with a mental illness to relapse, a lot of the times when they cycle or show symptoms of whatever illness they have, a lot of the time they really are not aware of what they are doing during said cycles.  If something destructive happens to where they are made aware of what happens when their symptoms happen, then they can possibly get that help they need.  From that help, they can get hope that they can turn things around.  There are also moments where because of the illness, unfortunate things can happen to a person just because they really cannot function like a human being.  If you add the amount of abhorrent ignorance there is in the world, it can lead to situations that a miracle would need to happen.  If this miracle happens, I feel like a new appreciation could possibly happen, to enhance their situation, lives, and the lives around them better.  Let us be honest here as this is again, an ideological way to look at building hope, as everyone is different as well as there are more untreated people with a mental illness than are those who are in treatment.

Now I think about hope, and for the longest time I was in limbo about it.  It was a new feeling to me, and it left me asking, “what is next?”  Now, I ask myself, “what is hope if I can’t help others build hope up in themselves, too?”  Considering my position in life, I feel like that it isn’t enough anymore for me to hope.  I want to see if I can build hope in others in some sort of way.  Even with my illness and those days where I will feel utterly hopeless and defeated, I still think that maybe if more people had a little hope in their situations, the world would be overall better.  I feel the same way with freedom.  Maybe in some way, I could help with that too.

I know that the world is cruel.  There is a lot of ignorance, judgment, and an overall lack of objectivity in the majority of the world.  There are injustices, people being hurt and broken every minute perhaps.  I don’t know, I guess where I am right now, is I want to not only enjoy my personal journey through life, but also help people enjoy theirs as well, especially those like me.  A lot of us like me are those geniuses and prodigies that a lot of the world would call weird, crazy, or psycho.  I’ve also have been called these things over my life as well.  And while everyone cannot be saved, I guess maybe with this blog, and hopefully in the future, one person will read these words, or hear me speak, or anything like that, and be better by them.

I’m one person though, one who tries to do too much a lot of the time, who trolls people a good bit (you guys have no idea), and who breaks occasionally for no reason whatsoever.  However, I think I can do something, and that something is better than nothing, right?