Rewriting a hopeless future.

For the past week, I’ve been thinking about the amount of progress I’ve made in this short amount of time.

I’ve thought about the support I’ve gotten (which has been a lot more than I can imagine it would have been), and I am grateful in that for sure.

Today, I go before the therapist that I’m working with to finally tackle the final issue that catapulted me to get myself to the point of starting in my own personal recovery.  I think that, when I overcome the feelings involved with what happened back then, I believe that I will have made a crucial step into my own ongoing recovery.

I believe some time ago, I posted in an entry what my birth tarot cards were.  One of those was the strength card.  If you know anything about tarot, the main thing about this card is that it revolves around inner strength. I guess with me, I have always had an immense amount of inner strength, but I did not have the means to draw it out.  I feel like that today, I am on the way to learning how to tap into this more consistently as well as in more creative ways.  

I guess, I’m still in a bit of a shock over how things are now.  A lot of the consumers that I work with, they may or may not have the chance to take a future that is blinded to them by their past, improper managing of their symptoms and triggers, or perhaps the circles keep them in inconsistent situations where they cannot get the stability to believe or think like this.  Because of my empathetic nature, I will not lie to you and say that it breaks my heart seeing what I see on a daily basis.  

I am fully aware that I am one person, and I cannot save everyone.  I guess if I can guide one consumer to thinking that their future is not hopeless, that their future can always be changed, I think I would have done my job really well.  Even if I am in shock over what I see, I won’t run from it.  This position, is my future.  A future, which was given to me by me doing what I could to get better.  No, that’s not exactly accurate.  I did what I needed to, to survive.  I was one of those who thought there was nothing for my future.  Somehow, I rewrote that.  Hopefully, I’ll do the same with some other people!


The miracle of the night: My 2013 year in review.

Before I talk candidly about this year, I want to share with you all what my resolution was from last year.  You see, I had just been a month removed from moving in to where I reside currently.  I wanted to do something really cool and different for a resolution, as due to the circumstances gathered to why I moved in the first place, I felt like that I had been given a way to get out of the perpetual cycle that I had been stuck in.

So with that, I decided to learn how to become a gentleman.  Now when I say this, I don’t mean just like holding doors for women, doing all the woman like things, but I meant the whole shebang.  I wanted to learn how to become someone respectable, and with this, perhaps I could become a better man.

Then, about a month or so after I started this blog, my mindset changed from wanting to be a gentleman.  I saw a lot of things living in the downtown area of my city.  These things wanted to me to do more.  Thus, I wrote an entry in this very blog about instead of being a gentleman, striving to be the best human being that I can be.  And now, I’m still working toward that goal.  The beauty of it is that this is ongoing.  It requires a lot of actions, and learning how to think a different way.  Being bipolar, this at first was very difficult for me.

I went through a 3 month period where I was completely depressed.  I also wrote about this when I came out of it.  I told my mentor, and my psychiatrist about it when it started, which was before my birthday.  I guess in that period, I was completely lost.  I knew that I was dangerously close to death on at least two occasions during those three months, but somehow, I got through it, and recovered.

Shortly afterwards, I got to work with a counselor through my psychiatrist’s office.  I am still working with her to this day.  At the same time that I started working with her, I got more involved with mental health awareness, and becoming more aware of my illness as a whole.  I had one big dissociation episode in this time, but with the help of my mentor and counselor, I coped, and recovered quickly from it.

Here we are now, on New Year’s Eve.  I would say that I have transformed a great deal this year.  I’m starting to figure out what I want to do with my life, and with the help and support of a lot of people, I am managing my Illness very well.  As those of you who read this blog know, I changed the direction of this blog to try and do my part to help those with illnesses like mine in some way.  I also will talk about feelings and my struggle.  I know that I have this for the rest of my life, and there is no way that I can cure it, or anything of the sort.  I can do things to manage it, and be able to control myself, and my moods better.

2014 is the year in which I turn 30.  I’ve said this on many occasions, but I never thought that I would make it this far in my life.  I think a lot of people believed in the me that is right now, or maybe, the me that is coming.  I know that everyday I am doing things to grow stronger.  I feel like heading into this next year, I need to be careful in doing too much.  I need to plan ahead as much as I can, as well as invest in my future in some sort of way in this year.  If I do things correctly, and time everything carefully and cautiously, I can put myself in a position to change a lot of lives in every aspect of my life.  It starts with me however, and being as objective, realistic, and empathetic as I can be to take advantage of the lucky opportunity that is my life.

There is one thing though that I do have to do tonight.  It’s sort of a hidden challenge of mine I guess.  During the course of this year, I did not date at all.  I knew that mentally I was not ready for anything that had to do with having a girlfriend.  However, I did develop 7 crushes on 7 different women I met over this year.  These crushes I’ve had have for the most part dissipated now.  However, for this one night, one of the magical nights that happens every year, I’m going to actually tell one of the women the moment in which the crush developed.  Again, the feelings I had back then have pretty much left, but I think I owe it to myself for when I date in the future to do this.

I also toyed with taking a backseat to my downtown life, as it has been a big part of my life for the past few years.  I don’t get drunk as much as the people who head down there(which probably drives the bartenders bonkers hahaha), but I just got known because I could dance, and I was someone who was genuinely nice.  I got severely depressed after a friend of mine visited during the Thanksgiving holiday, but I think my depression was displaced.  I was severely lonely.  I think the feelings that came with that had to do with my perception being skewed about my popularity in the nightlife in the area.  Now that I have a clearer view about this, I don’t have to change anything as of this moment.  As a matter of fact, if it wasn’t for the nightlife, I think I would have been worse off than I am right now.  Therefore, moving into this next year, I’m going to look to strengthen my influence in the nightlife of my city, for future endeavors.  The momentum I can gain because of the way I carry myself is something that I can use to get a message of hope to more people.

Anyway, this is a sort of it.  I just want to get stronger I guess.  I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution this year.  But I do have this poem from the TWLOHA blog to leave with you guys:


The ball drops and fireworks. Resolutions are made.
People scream and people kiss and is it possible to change?
Is it really truly possible to leave the past behind?

Welcome to Midnight.

Another year comes to a close. Another year begins.
With a moment in between.
Why the fuss?
Why the fame and fireworks?
Is it more than hype? More than something else to sell us?
Is there something to this holiday? Something true inside it?
Because isn’t there something inside us that aches for change…
Dreams it to be possible…
To let go.
To hold on.
To leave it behind.
To start again.
To be new.
Is it possible?

If you’re reading this, if there’s air in your lungs, then you’re alive today tonight right now.
And who can know how long we have here…
And is it a gift? Was it ever a gift? Did that ever feel true or could that one day feel true?
Are there things to fight to live for?
Moments and people… Weddings and children and all your different dreams…
Is your life more than just your own?
And are there broken things you were made to fight to fix?
Broken families, broken friends… Injustice.
Will you move for things that matter?

Wouldn’t it be nice if change took just a moment?
Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy?
Midnight and we’re new. Midnight and the past erased. Midnight and we’re free.

It seems to come slow. It seems to be a surgery.
Forgiveness. Healing. Sobriety. Letting go. Starting over.
It seems to happen slowly over time.
One day at a time, the choice made new each morning.
Will you fight?
Will you fight to be healthy?
Will you fight to be free?
Will you fight for your story?
Will you fight to get the help you need?

Change takes more than a moment, but maybe there’s also something to this celebration of a moment, something to the way it speaks to us, something to the way we fear it, and dream it to be true. Maybe it’s the most honest moment of the year.

It’s possible to change.

Welcome to Midnight.

Here’s to the possibilities.

Peace to You.

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!

Some words that I remembered from the past.

In 1992, my great grandfather died.  I was 8 at the time, and I do remember about a few weeks(maybe a month) before he passed, he was at the hospital which I now live 3 blocks away from.  We went to visit him often, and I remember there was one instance where I was in the room with him by myself while everyone was getting food.  He told me something which, because I was 8, I would not really acknowledge, but now today, it probably has some merit to it.  He told me to come to the bed, and he told me these words:

It ain’t gon’ be now, but one day you gonna lead some people out of some mess ya hear?

Today was the first time I actually remembered what he said to me.  I don’t really think of myself as a leader type even now.  I think the best thing I can say about myself is that I’m learning how to cope with my illness as best as I can.  Then, maybe when I get strong enough, perhaps I can put myself in a position to bring those like me out of the dungeons of their minds.

And it isn’t just my great grandfather who has said these types of things to me.  Over my life since that quote people have said things like that to me.  I didn’t really understand for a long time why people would say things like that to me.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much that I didn’t understand, as so much as that all these people were believing in a future self of me in which in the past, I didn’t think existed.  For a long time, I did not think I would make it to the age that I am at now(I’m 29).  Since then though, I guess I understand what they are all saying now.

I guess the only thing I can do now is to just become stronger, and for the cause that I want to focus on, carry the souls that suffer from the mental illnesses, the loss from it, and those who don’t understand it like they should with me.  I watched an anime shortly before writing this, and there was a scene where an old man was talking about how a plant loses it’s leaves in the colder seasons, and gains them back in the warmer seasons.  He tied this cycle to the generations.  He said that eventually, each generation must become stronger than the previous.

If you tie this to today, you can say this is true in some cases, but not in others I guess.  Speaking clearly for me, I guess what all these people are saying is that I have something that could do a lot of good I guess.  I don’t really know if I do or not.  All I know right now is to get stronger.  Then we will see what happens.

The Ever Changing Phases Of The Moon.

There are moments in your life where you think about it, and everything is going in a blur.  These past two weeks were a great example of this very thing.

I’ve been saying that I’m in a very long period of transition in every portion of my life.  I’ve found a small glimmer of a dream, that perhaps one day will lead me to become a person that many people will know.  But, I think that in these past two weeks, and even beyond that, I actually forgot something.

I let myself be taken over by the speed of life.  I let myself, become very undisciplined, and very sloppy with everything.  I know, that this has happened and will happen again in the future quite possibly.  The consequence in this is that I started writing without clarity in my heart, and thus, the words that came out of me weren’t the greatest I felt like I could be.

I went back to re read the first few entries that I wrote two months ago.  I believe that I forgot what the original reason that I started this blog was.  It isn’t for the followers, the likes, or the comments(good or bad).  It’s for me, and for my one shot at doing something great, and then living the simple life afterwards. 

I admit, that I’m not the best person in the world.  I have my share of skeletons, as does anyone else.  I will say, that I am doing the best that I can.  I do fully realize, that I have a lot of work to do in bringing my life to an optimal place, and I am making the strides to do this very thing as we speak.

I know that one day however, I will have everything put together.  I’ll be able to grasp the dreams that I hold deep inside, and I will not forget those who are with me along the way.