The Ever Changing Phases Of The Moon.

There are moments in your life where you think about it, and everything is going in a blur.  These past two weeks were a great example of this very thing.

I’ve been saying that I’m in a very long period of transition in every portion of my life.  I’ve found a small glimmer of a dream, that perhaps one day will lead me to become a person that many people will know.  But, I think that in these past two weeks, and even beyond that, I actually forgot something.

I let myself be taken over by the speed of life.  I let myself, become very undisciplined, and very sloppy with everything.  I know, that this has happened and will happen again in the future quite possibly.  The consequence in this is that I started writing without clarity in my heart, and thus, the words that came out of me weren’t the greatest I felt like I could be.

I went back to re read the first few entries that I wrote two months ago.  I believe that I forgot what the original reason that I started this blog was.  It isn’t for the followers, the likes, or the comments(good or bad).  It’s for me, and for my one shot at doing something great, and then living the simple life afterwards. 

I admit, that I’m not the best person in the world.  I have my share of skeletons, as does anyone else.  I will say, that I am doing the best that I can.  I do fully realize, that I have a lot of work to do in bringing my life to an optimal place, and I am making the strides to do this very thing as we speak.

I know that one day however, I will have everything put together.  I’ll be able to grasp the dreams that I hold deep inside, and I will not forget those who are with me along the way.


I want to be the best human being I can be, and I want you to be that too.

Earlier this year, I made a New Year’s resolution.  That resolution was to learn every part of the gentlman’s codes of honor and chivalry.  Now, the thing is, being a gentleman is not exclusive to treating the fairer sex correctly all the time.  It also covers other areas such as fighting and ethical situations.

As I learned, I thought that it would lead me on the path to becoming an overall better person.  And, some of items I’ve learned have definitely contributed to me being how I am right now.

As the months have gone hotter, I keep walking around downtown(I like spending time outside a lot now), and I see a lot of people around.  Those downtown scene people, the panhandlers, the creepy guys that have homes, but just want to ask others for drinks.  I see all of them.  I wonder what they have been through, I wonder what their struggles are, and sometimes, I wonder what can I do to make their lives better.

I think, that somehow, we get lost in everything at times.  We forget that, we are all people, we are all human beings.  It kinda is irrelevant what or who we like, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, it all comes back to all of us being human in the end.  We make our mistakes, some small, while others are big, but most of the time, we are still standing.

I want to become a better human being.  I don’t want to say I’m no better than the person that is sitting out there hungry, or cold.  I don’t want to say I’m no worse than the person that has all the success and power in the world.

I just want to be the best version of me that I can be.  I think that, pursuing a career in writing, will unlock this.  I want my words to heal someone one day, to touch someone in a way that they can become a better human being.  Then, in turn, they can do something to make someone else better.

It’s now not about being a better man or woman for me.  I mean, we are all humans.  Let’s strive to be better humans, and make this world better with one little thing. 

This entry, is dedicated to this very thing.

Clue #2: These Words Are Your Voice.

If you are an avid reader of my other blogs, you know that I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, and a light case of Psychosis.

I take medicine every day for these, and generally, they work out.  My moods are better, and I don’t have delusions or thoughts harming myself or anything….

…that is, until this morning.

I sat on a bench downtown, and I posted on two social media sites 10-12 years.  I also said I’d say what I meant by that in my next entry.

Well, in this time span, and in my mind at that point, I made a promise that, I would be where I would want to be by the time I am in my 40’s.  There is a consequence though, a very harsh penalty should I fail to do this.  And, then, I went and wrote out a plan, not for me figuring out where I want to be, but for what I would do if I failed. 

I learned about Thursday of last week, what I want to do with my life.  I want to write.  I want to take these words of mine, and perhaps touch the lives of others who struggle like I do on a daily basis.  I want to be able to cut through the noise in their heads with the words that I write.  I don’t know if I should write about mental health, general life, or what, but, I can feel like this is the best gift I can give to enhance the world that we live in.

And, knowing this, Saturday night, it hit me, this can be something that I can severely fail in.  And with that thought, combined with my seemingly fragile mental state, I don’t know if I will or not.  Time will tell if I will be okay at writing, since, I don’t even know what I want to write about. 

Right now, I can only work on surpressing the noise in my head.  I have to stay positive, and objective.  If I get too negative, I can honestly say that this time, I could be in danger, in more ways than one.  I will do everything I can though, to make my words…no, my voice heard.

Five years later.

I was 24 years old at the time.  Living in a four bedroom apartment with a good share of family in it.  I lie on my bed, broken, depressed, feeling a certain sense of horror that only people with mental illnesses can match, or know how it feels.

I go to my computer, and I search for blogspot, and I create an account, matching the theme with my mood.  I write Episode 1, with no clue how it would turn out.  I knew back then that maybe writing would save my life at this point in time.  Perhaps it would give me a much needed outlet to the darkness at the time, the noise in which constantly plagued my mind, telling me, “I’m never going to be good enough” or “You will pretty much amount to nothing in your life time.”

I kept writing for the next three and a half years.  The thoughts became clearer.  The light eventually got brighter, up until the final episode that I wrote.

Today is the exact day I wrote Episode 1.  I sit back and look at that time, and the events, the triumphs, and everything in between with a new perspective.  I was completely lost then.  Somehow, I’m still here, and I am now happy with that.  I’m still fighting, which, at the point in time, I could honestly say that I didn’t have the strength to fight for anything in any way, shape, or form.

I am now 28 years old, on the verge of leaping into the next level of my life.  This tangent is actually completely unknown, and for the longest time, I was completely terrified of it.  Now, I am fine with this.  If I knew what I’d be doing leter, right now, it wouldn’t be an adventure.

This blog is for one thing, and for one thing only at this point and time.  I don’t really have any goals at this point and time.  I don’t have a real plan as to what I want to do with the rest of my life.  It hasn’t come in a dream, and I haven’t been compelled by any part of life in the five years I spent working on me.  But, there is something that, I feel very strongly about, that I really want to do, and it’s probably the most confusing thing that you’ll ever hear me say.

This blog is to document the progress of me, as I find out, how to do something amazing.

Now, yeah, I have said it.  This past year, that’s all I’ve thought about.  I just want to do something utterly amazing and wonderful, something that will leave the mark on something or somebody in a way where it’s just like “wow”.  Then, I want to just have a simple life.  I don’t want a lot of money.  I don’t want to be famous.  I just want do do something amazing, once, and then be the best I can for myself, and for the ones that I will love.

I don’t know how long this is going to take.  It could happen right after I get done with this entry.  It could be ten years from now.  But, I don’t want to die without doing one amazing thing in my life time.  This is my new dream.  And, it is probably going to be the toughest task that I will do in my life.

Why?  Because I don’t even know what I can do that is so amazing yet.  So, I’ll have to search for it.  Pretty much, the only clue I have at this point in time is that I will know in my heart when I’ve done the amazing thing that I am looking for.

So I’ll write about experiences and see if they live up to what I want to do.  Perhaps this will help to figure that out.  This is going to I hope help to unlock some of the hidden talents, and attributes that are buried under years of the noise, and the chaos of being a person with a serious mental disorder.

So from now on, when you see me, and interact to me, you’ll see a new twinkle in my eye.  One that will be looking for the wonderful, and amazing in the world.  Regardless, I’ll enjoy the ride all the way.