A beautiful commercial from the most unlikely.

I want you to take a look at this commercial, and get touch by it like I did.

A lot of times people see someone doing a selfless act and bring an instant judgement on it. They call it foolish.

What if we all did some small form of altruism? Something very empathic and pure?

Think about that as you watch this video.


Beyond The Hope. Beyond The Freedom.

The words hope and freedom have a lot of meaning in my life. I’ve gone throughout the years searching for these and their meaning to me in my life. As I go to deeper depths in battling my perfectionistic ways, I sit here now typing, ready to challenge these words as they have applied and do apply to my life in this moment.

Let’s tackle the latter first. When I think back to my childhood and through my adolescent years, I feel like I had a ton more freedom. Even after I was diagnosed, I still had quite a good bit of freedom. I didn’t take advantage of it in a negative, or positive ways. That’s to be expected just because if the sheer notion that I was (and, for all intensive purposes, still am) young. If I were to be a bit more descriptive about those years, even despite what happened to me to shape my endeavors whilst in those years, I would say think of a scale with no weight on it. On most days, I was okay with being average. The reasoning for that is that if I didn’t get too high, then I could sort of “deal” with the lows. Again, I was young during this time, and the thing about it was that it was a failing strategy back then.

Even today, I do have quite a good bit of freedom granted to me.  I would like to think that I’m a lot smarter than I was in my childhood (perhaps not by a lot).  Last year, I was just glad to finally get into a stabilized situation in my life.  In a sense, I don’t think I’ve had more stability at any point in my life than I have right now.  This brought a new found appreciation in having this sort of “complete freedom” that I had.  As you may have seen, I have been in constant limbo on if this is enough.  In my heart, I don’t think it is enough to just have appreciation for whatever freedoms are granted to me anymore.  The thing about it is, I always felt a huge sense of guilt when I talked about freedom at all.  This also goes for in my blog.  I know that somewhere, something, or someone had to sacrifice for my freedom.  It could be as close as my family or friends.  I can also be as far as those around the world fighting for their freedom.  Maybe I have become more aware that not everyone is afforded freedoms that I have, and that, perhaps in the past, it is my fault somehow (not so much on the worldly scale).

I did not really believe in the world hope for an extremely long time.  As someone who has an illness that at any given moment can make it seem like that there is no hope, it is a really difficult concept to grasp.  To believe there is an outcome that is in your favor all of the time is a draining concept to the mind of a manic depressive.  I can probably speculate that anyone that has had a fit of depression has felt this way in their life at some point.  It is really that hard to grasp for someone for a mental illness.

There is however a way that it can happen.  One with a mental illness has to have something so destructive done by their hands, and also a miracle happen.  Please note that is just my belief, and it isn’t because I have had both of these things happen to me.  The thing about is, with how easy for someone with a mental illness to relapse, a lot of the times when they cycle or show symptoms of whatever illness they have, a lot of the time they really are not aware of what they are doing during said cycles.  If something destructive happens to where they are made aware of what happens when their symptoms happen, then they can possibly get that help they need.  From that help, they can get hope that they can turn things around.  There are also moments where because of the illness, unfortunate things can happen to a person just because they really cannot function like a human being.  If you add the amount of abhorrent ignorance there is in the world, it can lead to situations that a miracle would need to happen.  If this miracle happens, I feel like a new appreciation could possibly happen, to enhance their situation, lives, and the lives around them better.  Let us be honest here as this is again, an ideological way to look at building hope, as everyone is different as well as there are more untreated people with a mental illness than are those who are in treatment.

Now I think about hope, and for the longest time I was in limbo about it.  It was a new feeling to me, and it left me asking, “what is next?”  Now, I ask myself, “what is hope if I can’t help others build hope up in themselves, too?”  Considering my position in life, I feel like that it isn’t enough anymore for me to hope.  I want to see if I can build hope in others in some sort of way.  Even with my illness and those days where I will feel utterly hopeless and defeated, I still think that maybe if more people had a little hope in their situations, the world would be overall better.  I feel the same way with freedom.  Maybe in some way, I could help with that too.

I know that the world is cruel.  There is a lot of ignorance, judgment, and an overall lack of objectivity in the majority of the world.  There are injustices, people being hurt and broken every minute perhaps.  I don’t know, I guess where I am right now, is I want to not only enjoy my personal journey through life, but also help people enjoy theirs as well, especially those like me.  A lot of us like me are those geniuses and prodigies that a lot of the world would call weird, crazy, or psycho.  I’ve also have been called these things over my life as well.  And while everyone cannot be saved, I guess maybe with this blog, and hopefully in the future, one person will read these words, or hear me speak, or anything like that, and be better by them.

I’m one person though, one who tries to do too much a lot of the time, who trolls people a good bit (you guys have no idea), and who breaks occasionally for no reason whatsoever.  However, I think I can do something, and that something is better than nothing, right?

Quick Update!

Just wanted to let people know what is going on and such!

Gone is the project I did over the summer, the 30 day challenge. With the direction that I want this blog to take, I think that the content in those posts was not consistent with the vision I now have for this.

What I ultimately want to do is use this as a tool for my progress in my ongoing recovery with my struggle with Bipolar Disorder Type 2. As I take my medication, and go through therapy to learn new coping techniques, I will hopefully get strong enough to share with you guys!

Also, I would like to use this to try and find helpful things over the internet to stop the stigma that goes on with mental illness. I truly feel like there are a lot of beautiful minds out there to unlock if we get the awareness, and we show a little more hope to people. Hopefully, this blog may be able to help with that in the future.

Music section should be updated soon too. I got the winter stuff ready, but I have a new phone, and I don’t know how to download music to it just yet.

And lastly, my end of the year post/2014 resolutions post will be next Tuesday on New Year’s Eve! Being that I started this blog in April of this year, I will let you new suscribers in on what happened to me from when January to when I got started with this! Stay tuned!

And for those who do read my nonsense, thanks. I really appreciate it.

Last but not least, here is a spiffy remix of Stoneman’s stage from Megaman 5 for you Megaman fans out there!  Merry Christmas!

Amazing #3: The Tribute.

This morning, while I was heading home from a failed excursion, I got news that shattered a dream of mine. On top of that, I found out that someone close to me has died.

I’m going to tribute to this person for the next two weeks. It is Halloween, right? Normally, I usually tend to have the better costumes out of the bunch. This year however, I think I’m not going to dress up. In addition, I’m going to wear a ribbon on my arm of my friend’s favorite color, blue.

This is not only to mourn my friend, but also to mourn the people who are fighting, just like me, to one day become stable. Normally, I would rock green because that is the color for bipolar disorder, and who knows I may rock that with the blue ribbon. However, I think that this is the best I can do since I can’t go to the funeral.

To my friend, you take care. You lived a good life for sure dude. Sucks you can’t listen to this song, because there was something about you that brings hope to a lot of us in the community we were a part of.

The Lunar Elysium. (A post of hope, courage, and as always, jumbled thoughts.)

This has been one hell of a summer for me. I thought that I wanted to be a writer. However, I feel like that I am too emotional of a person and I have rabbit ears to actually pursue a career in writing.

You may remember that I attempted to pull off the 30 day writing challenge. I didn’t get to complete it, because of a hurtful comment from an anonymous source that actually misconstrued the words that I said big time. This person also personally attacked me. It was damaging to me because it was the first time anyone has done anything like that in a long time.

This was around my the time of my birthday, and going through with the events of that week was insanely more difficult than it should have been. That week should have been more legendary than it was, but I got through it. Then, in July I started to really get depressed, still having the words of that comment really turn in my head. You see, I AM a Cancer in the zodiac, and also, I am born under the first week of Cancer, which is deemed the Week of the Empath if you follow super deeply into it. If you think about the actually day I was born, June 25th, that day is deemed the day of the sensitive receptor.

I mentioned all of this because I pretty much have an attribute which can make me great at times and bad in others. This attribute is absorbing feelings of one into thinking they are my own. So, the comment in question in the month of July was all I thought about. Because of this, the little voice that I did have kind of died for a bit. I was lost for the whole month of July, and a good bit of August. I broke a total of five times mentally through this stretch, reaching a dangerous point of depression two times in those five times.

September rolled around. In my city they have a festival to celebrate the Georgia vs. South Carolina game. So anyway, that next night the game happened, and then I ended up heading to a party. Then, that next day I did something completely different. A few hours after I did this one thing, I got some flack about, but after explaining my situation to the person giving me flack, for it, he respected it, albeit him disagreeing with it. Then, something clicked. I felt a bit better defending my stance. A week after this, I had a huge lucky streak. Things felt like they were falling into some sort of place, though I don’t know what that was. I renewed my lease then, had a great meeting with my psychiatrist, and my social services worker in my apartment building. Seems like now, a foundation is forming to make a new life for myself.

There are some people out there that kept me from going over the edge, and I thank them greatly. There’s also some things that I started reading, like liking the ManKind Project, which linked an article about suicide that helped immensely. I now read a lot of content from that site, and it has also helped me heal. I started making better choices in foods, exercise, and all that to help heal.

Maybe part of the issue back then was I didn’t treat my illness properly. Yes, I took my medicine throughout all of this, but it really isn’t enough. I have to also make choices to make sure I avoid serious triggers like the one that plagued me all this summer. I have to make sure to do things to keep my mood stable. And more importantly, to keep my voice fresh. I feel like, that if I don’t take my illness seriously, things like those two months will happen again, and that I will die ( like I keep saying throughout this blog) eventually from it.

The important thing now, is that I’m still breathing. This is something that has really stuck with me throughout late last month into this month. If you really suffering, you just need to focus on that second. Yes, you have to deal with whatever you need to eventually, but if you are at risk, you do need just think, “just keep breathing”. As long as you can breathe, you have at a chance at hope. If you have a chance at hope, you can turn around any situation, no matter how small.

Another thing that resonated with me is that something that the TWOHA people keep putting up, “You cannot be replaced”.  I always thought about how I didn’t fit in with anyone.  I didn’t listen to the same music that everyone I know does.  I also feel like that a lot of people who I happen to know, just really just enjoy me dancing than just honestly hanging out with me.  I think that a problem was that I mistook my popularity gained by dancing to think that everyone wanted to hang out with me, when in reality, I think the majority of people probably think I’m a puppet for their entertainment.  This was not a problem exclusive to dancing.  I have had this problem since I turned 15.  I believe this is the first day that I actually acknowledge it.  However, I would like to think that I’ve touched a bit lives even if some think of me as a puppet.  I’m glad if that is the case.

Now, I need to find something to invest in, a career that will ultimately allow me to do good-by the people.  I need to find something to supplement the enormous empathy that I have for humanity.  I’ve said this before, I don’t care anything at all about being a man.  I only care about being a great human being in the end.  I don’t really care about money, or power.  I just want to be able to help others in some way, maybe in a way of healing the damage that the past has brought them.  Something like that.

I know that I’m now able to grow stronger everyday in some way, so that is something new that I can proudly say about me.  I could not say that about me in the past.  Now, perhaps I can make a dream come out of this, and change more lives with it.

Closing this long post, the song accompanied to this entry is a remix of a song that I bought last year.  Love, is the last component I feel that I lack.  I always say that I would lack three things in the past:  hope, courage, and love.  I think it’s safe to say for at least this point, I have hope, and to actually write something with the contents in this post, I have some sort of courage somewhere building.  And I guess you can say that while I can’t exactly profess my love for another human being just yet, I can say that I do fall in love with music a whole hell of a lot.

I mean, that has to count for something, right?  So this song is something that I will add, to that utopia under the moon, which I’ll now call, the Lunar Elysium of my life.